How do I train a group of squirrels to defend my garden?

I want to have a group of squirrels defend my garden from moles, chipmunks, deer, raccoons, nutria, bats, children, etc. Any suggestions on how to do this?

How do I train a group of squirrels to defend my garden?
Lots and lots of nuts.
Reply:lol...seriously? call chip and dale.
Reply:You can't!
Reply:I don't know but that would be pretty freakin' cool and if you do figure it out I wanna see that in action...
Reply:Well, first you need a catchy group name, then if the uniform is snazzy you have a better chance of recruits. Consider education reimbursement or something to get them in, or even a draft.



You have to be firm with squirrels. Try some dummies of children, raccoons to practice attacking. Awol squirrels are pretty common, so fencing them in for drilling may work. Then again, a good fence would solve most of your problems anyway, wouldn't it?



Edited to add- for God's sake- don't introduce lasers until you have an elite fighting squad of the BEST of the BEST. Listen people- this guy is JUST STARTING his squirrel army- Lasers are chapter 5! Don't rush it! Everybody wants to be a hero, don't they. Remember that squirrels have bushy tails. FLAMMABLE bushy tails. Get some marksmen before the lasers, for crying out loud.



Go get 'em! Then write an e-book!
Reply:I think you should feed them some Peanuts and Redbull (because it will give them wings) so now they are flying squirrels. Now Put then through a boot camp. :)
Reply:seriously man u cant train squirrels . they are wild animals and they stay away from humans wont b able to cath them easily secondly they wont obey u. it u give them food they wont it it from ur hand and if u keep it and hide then they would just pic up that food and run away. this means you will not b getting any opportunity to train them. and if uill catch them in cage then they will act weird usually bcz they are afraid inside a cage and the feel insecure. the most important thin that u should thrust into your mind is squirrels dont like to come near humans or other creatures bigger than them so u forget that they will ever attack anyone especially humans no matter if they are kids or adults. if u want to catch it then i think i can help u . i have caught a squirrel my self and i can send u its photos and way how i did it if u email me or chat with me. spark_gaurav_gg@yahoo.co.in

i hope this would help u in knowing more about squirrels
Reply:Attach lasers to their heads.
Reply:Just give me some of the drugs you take.
Reply:With nuts. :)



Let me know how it works out!
Reply:Do what other people do and get a dog or even some geese. If not then go with the idea of lasers strapped to their heads.
Reply:It involves a skunk, twelve bottles of orange Gatorade, Richard Simmons, and a pair of brass knuckles. Put simply, you're better off letting mother nature kick your garden's ***.